A version of this originally appeared on eHarmony Australia.
The sad reality is, many of us men wouldn’t know because we’re too focused on what we’re looking for in others.
We get wrapped up in looking for the best person, rather than being the best person.
Instead, we must stop thinking about their personality, body shape, hair colour, or career (please tell me you don’t judge on career)… and start thinking about YOU.
What makes you happy, how you can be better and how you can be the kind of person that provokes respect and desirability in yourself first, then others second.
Changing tack can be hard, however, doing so will improve (all) other areas of your life, and create the opportunity for someone to come along who resonates with this best version of you. This is far more than becoming more desirable, and really about becoming clear on who you are and what is most important to you. Once you have clarity around this, not only will you be a man of purpose and direction, but you’ll know what you truly want in a partner, opening the door for this person to walk in.
Who are you?
As a man coach, I can confidently say there is one incredibly important question most men have never even contemplated, let alone can answer with genuine clarity and depth. That is, “Who am I?”
Many of us live life with the blinkers on, heads buried in the sand, chasing things that we haven’t consciously thought out. Our energy often goes into work and seeking security, while juggling social lives and trying to fit in a partner. That’s not to say we should become vagabonds and spend our days searching for enlightenment, just that we must address what our own life is about.
What are your strengths and weaknesses; your personality traits; your quirks, passions, consistent behaviours, fears and values? What makes you you?
There’s so much vital information here for you to consider. This will provide you with the blueprint for how to live your life; what makes you happy, what gives you purpose, and what to do more of. You’ll need to be a little selfish to prioritise working on yourself. Dive head first into the mental stuff to figure out your biggest drivers; the WHY that provides the motivation behind what is most important to you.
Enter: your level of ‘Masculine Attraction’
Far beyond the physical, true masculine attraction lies in a man’s ability to arouse respect and admiration within himself and others, through his words, actions and presence, regardless of the situation. Below all your surface desires like more confidence and a better body, I would hazard a guess that if you’re honest with yourself, deep down this resonates. As men, the drive to be respected and desired is rooted in a need to be validated. There is nothing wrong with this, as long as it first comes from within; genuine self-respect can then lead to being respected and desired/admired by others.
All the work we may be doing on ourselves (be it the gym or otherwise) will boil down to these deep desires. These can give context and genuine foundation for any physical goals, which means we can become truly happy in our own skin, subsequently opening the door to find happiness with someone else.
- Core values
Have a think about what values are most important to you. This will provide a compass from which to live your own life to ensure happiness (and if goals are meaningful or not), but will also give you the foundation for what to look for in a partner. Sharing common values with someone trumps ‘having things in common’ any day.
- The mirror challenge
Take a look in the mirror, literal and metaphorical:
- Take in your body; what words come to mind? Note down and question the negative ones. If it’s physical, ask yourself “Why do I think that?” then “What will make me respect my body?” – If you need to do physical work it can now have meaning based on values and true desires.
- Then assess who you are as a person and what needs work. Maybe you need to be more attentive, more empathetic, if so, work on these skills. Ask yourself “Am I happy?” and “What will bring me true happiness?” – Start ensuring you work towards this.
- Plan and execute
Create a plan to reach your best self, ensuring that it sees you living out your values. Then consistently work towards it.
The bottom line here is to look within yourself, work out who you are and how you can become your best. This will create genuine levels of ‘Masculine Attraction’ in you, now going beyond yourself and from others.
Live with direction and purpose in your own life and you open the door for the right person to appear.