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Issue #9: Taking Responsibility: Your Insecurities, Your Work

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Nice Guys: If your insecurities run your life and how you show up in your relationship, she will struggle to feel secure with you because you’ve made it her job to make you feel secure.


Partners can show us and tell us they appreciate and love us.


They can remind us.


They can be our biggest champions.


But it can’t be their job to hold us up and do the work to make us feel secure.


That is taking energy and it will further weaken you.


And continue to take from your relationships.


Think of it like this: you are both gardeners of the shared garden that is your relationship.


That requires you both to tend to it to enjoy the spoils.


Instead, what you’re doing is asking her to do all the watering, all the pruning and work so you can take the flowers and fruit.


Nom nom nom, Imma eat that. Gimme gimme.


You can see how skewed this will make the relationships and how she might feel having to do all that heavy lifting.


I shared this initial point a while back and I had someone message me about the simple premise of the first line in bold above – and he asked the following so I thought I’d address it:


“I feel like this applies to both people involved in a relationship. Wouldn’t you agree?”


From here my reply was simple:


“Of course – if any one person is making their sense of security the other person’s job, it’s a heavily codependent dynamic and won’t serve anyone. Unless that other person massively needs that level of being needed and those two dynamics match. Albeit very codependent.


I say the message above specifically to the men listening to me because that’s the work one can do – your own. You can’t work on your partner’s shit, just your own. So, the message becomes: how you are showing up and either doing this or enabling it?.”


As you can tell from the idea of the garden – heavily skewed either way and the result becomes the same.


Everyone has the potential to bring their insecurities to a relationship and make it the other person’s job to secure the insecurity for them.


A worthy relationship will invite us to ripen. It will bring our shit forward. It will test the very foundations of what makes us feel safe and secure. It is our choice to do the work – to be responsible for creating a sense of security within.


Just as we can do this with a job or money, status or power, muscles, size of your cock, material possessions, status – things we hope will allow us to feel secure.


But if it’s external it’s flimsy, it’s out of our control. The inevitable result is it won’t do the job, so we end up depending on that thing to feel like we have solid ground to stand on.


When we attempt to live our lives from that place, we will never feel SOLID. Like a leaf in the wind ready to be blown any way the wind wants to blow you.


It isn’t sovereign. It’s an entirely disempowering way to live one’s life.


Of course, the answer isn’t to reject another, reject companionship and the security that comes with shared and mutual love in a relationship.


It is to build your own sense of self and security so you can show up to a relationship with less take and more give, less need and more want, less insecurity and more “I generate my own sense of security so that you can just focus on loving me and not bothering me”.


Yeah, that last one might sting. If it does – let’s fucking do something about it.


Feeling and BEING secure is your job, brother.


When you feel and are solid – everything reflects that.


And if it is a far-off place for you right now, then know that you can get there.


However, it is not something you do alone.  Know this in your fucking bones.


It won’t happen in isolation.


You need people and new strategies to build that.


We need others around us to support us as we build ourselves. To challenge us, keep us honest and remind us of who we are and who we’re capable of being. Especially when we can’t see it.


That is very different to people propping you up and doing it for you.