Issue #71: Why Nice Guys Struggle to Accept Compliments (and Love)

Want to drastically improve how you feel within yourself?

Good. Good.

Let’s do that today.

Let’s explore some clear-cut strategies for Nice Guys (and any insecurity-driven person) to make a dent in becoming secure, confident, fucking solid.

When it comes to outgrowing Nice Guy Syndrome, there are many things we generally need to do.

Sometimes, that happens across a large time period - any meaningful change requires the repetition and endurance of new behaviours across time to truly anchor them and the identity connected to them.

What I mean by “identity connected to them” is this:

If you believe that you’re not good enough and it becomes part of your identity - you see yourself as inadequate, not deserving of love and joy, say, this will connect to a core element of your identity. How you identify.

Your behaviours will represent that. Your psyche will see to it that you act in ways that continue to manifest that.

It becomes who you are: “I am not good enough” - or fill in the blank here for your own fundamental belief about yourself.

Your behaviours represent who you are - the extension of how you identify.

It takes time and repetition of new behaviours if you are to truly change a foundational identity like that. So much so that those behaviours can become an extension of how you see yourself.

Those behaviours must be connected to an identity within you that can say, “This is who I am now - I deserve to feel good and have good things happen to me”.

By stating that or choosing it, you invite yourself to act in ways that see this play out.

For example, to become a man who respects himself, one thing you will need to do is embody actions that respect yourself. Repeatedly. Across time. In doing so, you become that man.

Those self-respecting behaviours become who you are.

You anchor the behaviours and the identity connected to them.

Becoming that man - PART ONE

So then, WTF does one do to become more solid, more secure, more at peace within oneself?

As mentioned, there is a lot to it, but today, we will focus on some irrefutable actions.

Insecurity lies at the heart of life and living for so many Nice Guys. It drives the bus. And it’s a terrible fucking bus driver.

Your work is to make secure what is insecure.

It isn’t to kick that insecure part of you off the bus but to allow him to take a relaxed, more certain seat down the back of the bus. Safe knowing that you have the wheel and are in charge.

Herein lies the theme of your work: become competent at driving the bus.

Said differently, become more competent at living your life and leading your life.

That invites you to become strong, fit, and capable mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, and relationally.

It means building yourself to become resourceful, resilient, and competent in these vital areas of your life.

It means stepping into self-acceptance and self-respect.

Competence really sits at the heart of so much for men in general, especially Nice Guys. Competence is what leads to confidence and self-belief. It is about building evidence and self-trust.

When you become competent in something you build stronger foundations in that thing. You become more secure in it.

And for Nice Guys, this is the ultimate work: become competent within yourself. More competent at being yourself.

Developing true comfort in your skin comes from wearing it around. Taking knocks and learning to remain comfortable there despite the judgements, rejections, and opinions of  the outside world.

We’re going to call this becoming more competent in self-expression.

How to do this

There will always be varying ways of attacking these things, but I encourage you to break them down into their separate parts and brainstorm - ‘What does it look like and what is required of me to become more competent in these areas?’

There will be some carry-over across many of them, which is a bonus, really.

Today’s challenge is for YOU to start this work by doing some of the thinking work.

Next week’s newsletter will dive into these areas in more detail. I will explain them more and give some examples, and we will examine what they can do for you.

For now, get out a pad and pen and take some notes.

Here are your prompts:

• What does it look like and what is required of me to become more competent mentally?
• What does it look like, and what is required of me to become more emotionally competent?
• What does it look like and what is required of me to become more competent physically?
• What does it look like, and what is required of me to become more financially competent?
• What does it look like and what is required of me to become more competent relationally?
• What does it look like and what is required of me to become more competent at being myself and self-expression?

Then you can start to think about what these things might build for you; where it might take you as a man. Examine some reasons why you should do this work.

Because it is work.

But if the juice is worth it, we’ll do the squeezing.

And if you don’t have enough meaningful juice, you won’t do the work to squeeze it out.

You’ll remain the same.

Insecurity will drive the bus into every fucking annoying, frustrating, and disempowering situation it can find. Because that’s what it does.

Your job is to take the wheel.

No one will hand you the wheel or magically make you feel confident enough to take it and rive yourself - to choose it fully despite the risks of being on the road, as it were.

You have to choose it. And so much of this comes down to building yourself. A lot of which can come via the support, challenge, guidance and accountability of others.

Show me you can do this work and next week, I’ll lay out some specifics for you to implement if you are serious about making meaningful and foundational changes to how you feel day to day, what your life looks like and what your relationships are like.

Now, here is some fresh content for you:

This week I featured on TWO podcasts that you might like to check out. They are:

• Money Matters with Marshy - catch it here
  This one is special as Marshy (Dan) was a coaching student in the early Everyday Legends Academy back in 2018. It so freaking cool to see where he is since our initial work together back then.
  
• We Are the Men with Angelo Santiago - Catch it here on iTunes and here on Spotify

My show - Everyday Legends Podcast:

• Coaching Corner #7 - Navigating Wrong Decisions

We have a brand new feature episode coming out in the next few days too - that is with my friend and 10-time author Sylvester McNutt III.

Feature YouTube video this week:

• 4 things every Nice Guy needs to know - a 25 min watch

I trust there will be something in there for you.

Until next week,

Mike

P.S. Did you complete last week’s challenge of giving out 3 compliments a day?
What did you notice or learn? About others? About yourself?

I suggest you continue this challenge again - this time, add in a compliment to yourself each day - take a moment each day to truly recognise and celebrate yourself.