Issue #62: Unlock the Power Behind Your Irritation

I put mine against Nardia's and then wrapped the lock around them and locked it.

Simple. Yet...

When I finished locking the bike lock, Nardia then tested it.

IMMEDIATELY in my head: "Are you fucking kidding me right now?!"

This annoyed me. Pissed me off.

I could have reacted from that place.

Been snarky. Made a comment.

Maybe gone silent. Really set the mood.

Shit, I've taken that option many times.
I know that result. Unpleasant.

But I knew it wasn't about the lock.

I stopped and asked myself, what is actually beneath this annoyance?

It came in an instant.

When she does something like that, it's like she doesn't trust me.
I felt undermined.

And I felt sad.

Like, couldn't you just trust me to lock the damn bikes?

An expression I heard years ago tends to land so true:
"Anger is sad's bodyguard".

It tells me that a bigger fiery emotion tends to guard a more vulnerable and harder-to-feel (and more accurate) emotion.

Our job is to get the depth where the accuracy is.

And so, I stopped her and spoke from that place.

I shared the story in my head when she does something like that.
How I felt.

What it would mean to me if she trusted me in small moments like that.

I let her see me. Then she can meet me at that space.

From there we were able to chat about the deeper actions and intentions.

I can see that it isn't just about me.

We can explore some of the deeper dynamics in our relationship and in each of us.

That is where solutions to consistent irritations come from - depth.

Irritability is a good sign there is a deeper emotion you’re not allowing yourself to process.

And things that poke the emotion will poke your irritability.
Especially the person you blame for being responsible for that emotion.

Often, the person or thing you blame for triggering your irritation isn’t even the real cause. They’re just holding up a mirror to the emotion you haven’t faced yet.

Unless you want to live in constant irritability or keep blaming those external things and other people and feel frustrated and disempowered, your job is to dig beneath the irritation and annoyance and deal with the deeper emotion.

Ask yourself:
“What is the thing I’m actually annoyed at, and how did that thing make me feel?”

That thing is likely more vulnerable and harder to sit with.

Think of irritability like a warning light on your car’s dashboard. You can blame the light for being annoying, or you can look under the hood to see what’s really going on.

Sit with it.
Be curious about it.
Own it. Face it. Process it.
Then, go communicate at the level of that emotion instead of the irritation.

This is what it means to be ‘Unfuckwithable’.
Not that nothing affects you, but that you can handle and navigate it with grace, maturity, and accuracy.

How to do that:

➡️Pause and check yourself.
When you feel irritable, stop for a moment. Ask yourself: “What’s really going on here?” 

You might not get an answer immediately, but give yourself space. Be patient.

➡️Name the emotion.
Is it anger? Or is it disappointment? Guilt? Sadness?

Naming the emotion makes it something you can deal with instead of letting it silently run the show.

Now you can act from that place.

➡️Own it.
This is the tough part. That irritation you’re feeling? It’s not about the other person. It’s yours. Instead of blaming them, take responsibility for how you’re reacting and what you’re feeling.

➡️Process it.
Processing doesn’t have to mean sitting in the corner crying (though if you need to cry, bloody let it out).

It might mean journaling, talking to a mate, going for a walk, or even punching the bag at the gym. The point is to move the emotion through you instead of letting it build up.

Learning to navigate those harder-to-feel emotions is a crucial part of becoming an Unf*ckwithable Man.

Remember:

The irritation isn’t the problem. It’s the signal.

Learn to listen to it, and you’ll not only clear the irritation but also the emotional clutter that’s been weighing you down.