Issue #51: The Power of Appreciation in Relationships

Being acknowledged. Being appreciated.

Being loved and touched.

Our wellbeing, our mental health, our emotional ok-ness are deeply impacted by how our efforts in the world are appreciated. Or not.

This isn’t about needing validation and constant approval and reassurance.

It’s about wanting to know that who we are and how we show up are valued. That it’s working.

We will pour our energy into being useful to those around us and the world. Having that effort and energy - where we direct our lifeforce - acknowledged and appreciated is fuel.

It’s vital feedback. It tells us what we’re doing is working. It’s such a crucial cog in the wheel of life - having other people inform us that “Yes, this is great and valued, and please do more of it - you are appreciated”.

We’ll fly to the goddamn moon if we have to.

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This kind of opinion, when I share it, often comes into some female … resistance, let’s call it. A little "I'm not in charge of or responsible for his feelings or (fragile) ego!"

Responses like this make me sad.

No, no one is truly responsible for anyone else's feelings. But in a relationship, you get to.

You get to be a part of someone else’s experience, happiness, and broader emotional wellbeing.

If you are not up for owning your part in your partner’s happiness and emotional wellbeing, you have no place being in a relationship.

For women reading this - or men, your partners:

Regardless of what he may do now or in future, regardless of what he might have done in the past, for any kind of change in him to happen, for him to step into his best, I can tell you right now - feeling seen, acknowledged, and appreciated by you will be a very good start.

It’s the cheat code.

When he feels that you appreciate who he is and how he is for you - man, you can write a blank check. This man will feel like his tyres are pumped. He’s ready to go to battle for you.

If you’re unsure about this - go ask him.

Ask him this:

• How do you like to be appreciated by me?
• What actions, efforts, or things you do would/do you like me to acknowledge and appreciate?
• How does it feel when I appreciate and honour you?

And if he has some Nice Guy insecurity, can’t-accept-praise bullshit going on - invite him to put that shit down for a moment (then come work with me after) and ask him to accept your gift of gratitude; “I would like to show my appreciation for you, can you put your discomfort with that aside for a moment and just receive it?”

Pay close attention to what he says to these answers. Especially the first one. Let him share with complete honesty how he likes to be appreciated. Give him the permission (if he needs it) to be honest.

If he says, “A blow job” - listen. Doesn’t mean you have to act on it. You can choose what you do with your life, your body, your time.

But I encourage you to listen. Be curious. Ask questions.

Don’t accept one word or one simple answer/act. Ask him, “What else? How else? Tell me more. Help me understand.”

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For men to show up and do the things that they're good at - we are dying to do those things for you - we just really want to be appreciated for it.⁣

We will walk to the ends of the earth, fly OFF the earth’s atmosphere, and literally go to war for you to make sure you can roam the world free and safely (be this a healthy, effective choice or not).

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And when a man feels nourished in his relationships, he can and will be a powerful ally in/for his family and in/for his community.⁣⠀

For men reading this:

I see you, bro. And in case you didn't know, others see the good in you, the potential, the things you often can't see.⁣

Your effort is recognised and appreciated. You are valued.

I appreciate the things you do and the desire you have to be better, grow, and give more to your family, community, business, or workplace.⁣⠀

I also invite you to think about allowing yourself to be seen more. Share with the people who matter what it is that matters to you and what you’d like to be noticed for and appreciated for.

Be courageous enough to share. Or be ok with never really feeling seen unless someone magically guesses it.

Just think about how ineffective it is hoping your partner is a good guesser and mind reader. Tell them.

Remember, people don’t have to do it. But if they care about you, this gives them accurate and helpful information.

You likely hate having to guess what your partner wants. When you have the info, you’re set. You can show up for them in the way they want you to.

Important side note

How can you celebrate and appreciate yourself a bit more?⁣⠀

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Not in an "I'm gonna smash some porn and jerk off" or smash ten beers or doom scroll on 'sosh-med' to celebrate an achievement. I mean, truly acknowledge and feel all the goodness that is in you, all your efforts in the world and give yourself a bloody solid pat on the back for what you do. And for where you have pushed your edges, taken courageous action in the face of fear and doubt, and stepped into uncomfortable situations (even the stuff you still struggle to admit to).

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Remember, you are doing your best, and you can be a work in progress, too.

Both of those things can exist at the same time.

But being acknowledged for your efforts, for being a good man - that is nectar from the gods. Drink it in.

And, if it’s not CLEAR - be the man who generates this type of acknowledgment and appreciation through his actions. Show up in the world determined to execute on this, be useful, be effective, be loving and considerate despite the possibility of it not being recognised.’

Do it because it brings you purpose, because it’s rewarding to be a good man, not because of what recognition it might bring.

If you can learn to derive purpose from your actions, from being that man without needing the acknowledgement, you become powerful.

Just make sure you know what you like to be acknowledged for, and by whom, and let them know.

Be in relationships with people who want to champion you, appreciate you, and make you feel loved and valued.

Simple. Right?⠀

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Fellas, does that sound accurate to you?⁣⠀

Ladies, how does this land? Can you get on board?⠀

Until next time - Be curious. Be courageous. Respect your choices.

Mike