Issue #50: The Power of Self-Respect

If a man never learnt how to respect himself, he’ll wander through life with a self-respect-sized hole in his soul & try to fill it with being loved, liked, & respected by others.

You might want to read that again.

If you weren’t respected by your primary caregivers growing up, you might find it hard to respect yourself. 

If you didn’t witness or receive respect how you needed to,  you might find it hard to respect yourself. 

If you didn't witness the important men in your life respect themselves, you might find it hard to respect yourself.

If you didn’t have important men in your life, you might find it hard to respect yourself.

Your life now will reflect this.

The state of your self-respect is the state of your life.

The state of your self-respect is the state of your relationship to life and the world.

It is the state of your relationship to women. To other men.

It’s the state of your relationship to money, to time, to your body and health.

Careful to note that I say ‘relationship to’ these things.

You can have plenty of money and still have a terrible relationship to money. This will be reflected in the state of your self-respect.

Same for your body. You might be lean and fit, strong and capable, but your relationship with your body is based in self-loathing, punishment and disrespect.

You can have good men in your life but believe you don’t deserve their friendship. Good women, but believe you aren’t good enough for them.

Things can look a certain way, yet your relationship to them is a mess. Often, this can be easily viewed and assessed via the state of your self-respect.

It determines how you feel and how others feel in relationship with you.

If you haven't learnt it - then you're going to need to learn it. Quick.

I've definitely been there

I remember when my self-respect depended heavily on if others respected me.

"IF others respect me, THEN I can respect myself - or at least feel ok about myself."

While that was nice in those moments - gaining the respect of others - it was flimsy. Fleeting.

Learning to respect myself and respect my choices was the easiest (and hardest) way out of letting insecurity run my life. Out of needing the respect of clothes to feel it for myself.

Sure, it also needs a buttload of courage.

Some determination.

More courage.

And some fucking great people around you. But it is entirely doable.

There's always more to changing your life and how you feel day to day than ONE thing - but this one is a pretty fucking important one.

I've seen this work as a core foundational component for hundreds of men.

At the end of the day, we all want to be respected.

Because respect, for men, is like oxygen. It provides a vital function.

When others respect us, it informs us that who we are and what we’re doing is valued.

It acts as feedback, telling us we’re useful and valuable.

And really, that is the heart of being a man; someone others can count on, who is useful. A man worthy of respect.

If we don’t get feedback like that, how do we know what we’re doing and who we are being is of use?

We need respect to help guide us and our behaviours.

But it’s very hard to respect a man who doesn’t respect himself.

Your task, your mission, is to build respect for yourself by respecting your choices and who you are. The respect of others comes after this, as you be that man.

And have men around you who respect you and hold you to being the man who can respect himself.

It’s that simple…

HOW TO START:

First, ask yourself: “What would it look like (that is different to now) for me to respect myself?”

Spend time reflecting on this, contemplating it, and writing down ideas.

Discuss it with other men you respect and that you think have self-respect.

Next, your choices:

Simplify things down to the decision or action in front of you.

Ask yourself: "Which one sees me embody self-respect?"

Or "If I wasn't afraid of what could happen on the other side of the decision, which one invites me into self-respect?"

Which action sees me embody self-respect?

Questions like this can help reduce complex shit down to a simple action.

That simple action might not seem easy, however. That’s where courage comes in. That’s where it lives, in those moments.

After all, a man who respects himself is a man who can choose courage when fear, insecurity, and doubt arise. That’s the whole point. Choosing courage is an act of self-respect.

Do you see?

Self-respect and courage.

What would you add to these initial starting points?

Feel free to reply and let me know.

You can also reply and let me know how it’s going starting these - because you do need to start them.

This can’t be just another thing you read and not do. Fuck that.

Do it. Be it.

More than Respect

For those among you who have been keenly paying attention to my content, you’ll note that this is possibly also true beyond just self-respect. It might ring a bell, even.

This is equally true for love.

If you weren’t loved unconditionally by your primary caregivers growing up, you might find it hard to love yourself and believe you are worthy of love as an adult. 

If you didn't witness the important men in your life show love to themselves and others, you might find it hard to love yourself.

Self-love and self-respect are intertwined.

To me, the ‘self-love movement’ is too fluffy and inaccessible for most blokes.

Respect is a much more tangible and innate concept. Yet, they both speak to the same thing, ultimately.

The good news is we can apply the pieces that make sense to and align with us.

Take these with you today and start aligning yourself.