Issue #43: Give a Shit About Your Life

In Australia and New Zealand, we’ve created this idea that it’s admirable for guys to shrug everything off. To be unfazed by anything, like nothing really matters to us.

The results of that is far-reaching.

The simplest and most impactful result of having to pretend that nothing matters is that nothing in your life feels like it really matters.

The more you embody being easy-ozy about everything, the harder it is to connect to things. It’s harder to make things important when you’ve believed the line that things shouldn’t be important. That you’re somehow less of a man, weird perhaps, if things matter - if you give a shit.

In the research on divorce, numbers clearly show that the majority of divorces are instigated by women. Most of the time, when a woman wants a divorce, her mind is made up, having tried to invite change earlier unsuccessfully. Often the broad reason is attributed to a “lack of commitment”.  Or, worded differently, we could see that as wanting to know her partner gives a shit and to show that to her.

We do run into a challenging misalignment here. As we know, men give a shit about their relationships. Especially when he is appreciated and cherished, he will bring his best to that relationship.

However, men will often channel our ‘giving a shit’ into working and providing so that our partners can be safe and looked after. But this energy output doesn’t necessarily translate well across to our partners. They miss that working hard is in large part for them. They see what looks like selfish energy giving more of a shit about our work than the relationship.

That requires some work, communication, and translations by all parties.

But it still speaks to our problem - one area that has been widely acceptable, even glorified for men to give a shit about, is work. This makes perfect sense when you zoom out for a moment and see how, as a society, we have almost solely reduced men’s worth and value down to; what he does and how well he can do it. 

When you look at this, it’s no wonder that, as a man, you choose to put your fucks in the basket that seemingly rewards you and gives you the feedback that you are valued and useful.

There is an immense impact on relationships from this skewed nature of what men can care about.

This might be you:

Many men reach a point in their lives where they feel somehow disconnected from it. From life. There is nothing truly meaningful apart from perhaps their kids. Even then, life can have an oddly disjointed component; it’s like “My kids matter but somehow I don’t?”

Relationships can have a barrier of sorts in the middle of them.

And purpose—WTF is that?

It’s a common set of symptoms that can leave a man feeling stuck, lost in a world void of adequate maps.

Yet, it’s no surprise given the volume of messaging telling men that it’s cool to not care, to be blasé, laissez-faire, indifferent.

And why would we receive this message? Because to care about something is to hold an emotional connect to it. Is to be vulnerable and to show it. And well, that, just wasn’t celebrated in men for the longest time.

Give a shit about something and you can be ridiculed for it.

Unless, of course, it’s a sports team. Or a movie.

Sure, times have changed, and Gen Z might just care about everything damn thing to a different kind of detriment. But for those men born pre-2000, the rhetoric around showing your heart has been looked down upon for so long, that we've lost sight of not only what matters, but how to care.

And it is the death of relationships, drive, and personality.

I remember being taunted - and doing some taunting - as a teenager for liking my girlfriend. How bold one must be to like something that they like…

Like them, just don’t let it be known.

Going with the flow, being so laid-back that you don't stand for anything, means you fall for everything. It means you will struggle to stick up for yourself and for others.

It means you will lack solid personal boundaries and will find it hard to say no. Your life and how you use your time and energy will be dictated by the world while you’re just a leaf in the wind. Blown any old way the wind wants to blow you.

For many a nice guy, it means he doesn't choose things for himself. He waits for the world to choose for him. Because God forbid, he makes a wrong decision. That could mean there’s something wrong with him.

Nope. It’s easier to deny interest than risk judgement for that interest.

But this thing happens when you don’t want to be seen to care about something. You don’t build competency in that thing. Fear of failure, fear of being seen as weak, of being seen to put in the effort or to care.

It leads to a laziness, a lethargy. The inevitable result of not building the muscle and know-how to give a shit about worthwhile things. A backbone absent of appropriate strength.

Reliant on the world to tell you how to be, what to care about, and how you should feel about yourself.

It’s a lazy way to be, to outsource how you feel to the potential views and opinions of others.

Well, I say fuck that. I care! About myself, my life, people, you. Caring fucking matters. 

Caring is not a weakness. It does not open you up to ridicule or vulnerability.

Life isn’t a poorly written fucking soap opera.

Sure, some people might give you shit for giving a shit, but that is the fastest type of feedback that those people’s opinions do not get to matter shit.

My man, your life is waiting for you to give a shit.

Your relationships, your dreams, your inner drive - all need you to give a shit.

You need to give a shit about yourself, about your future, your values, about what is actually important to you - what gets the needle moving in the direction of caring and value.

But don’t mistake that for needing to know everything with the utmost clarity. If you don’t know what you give a shit about now, what is purposeful to you, then don’t sit waiting for that to find you before you can start giving a shit.

Getting you started:

Simply start by giving a shit about yourself, your life and your mental, emotional, and physical health and your relationships.

Give a shit about carving out time to sit in silence and contemplation. Curate space to think, dream, and ponder.

Have conversations with interesting people who you like and admire. People who can be honest with you, challenging, and who can see value in you where you might struggle to see.

Discuss and think about things you think might matter and try them on.

Get out a notebook and journal. Start with these prompts:

• Who are the important people in my life?
  • How do I show them that I care? How can I?
• What are the things in life that matter to me? How do I know they matter?
• What values do I honour well and what values can I honour better?
• What would I like to give a shit about?
  • What does that look like or ask of me?

There are plenty more things you can reflect on, but let’s make it a bite you can easily take. Spend 10-30 minutes brainstorming on these questions. There are no right answers, just curious exploration through brainstorming.

Honouring your needs

If you’re in a relationship and have a history of brushing off your needs to the point of plain neglecting them, then this is your chance to start honouring your needs by asking for what you want.

Talk to your partner. Tell them you realise that you have had a history of ignoring your own needs and not really caring about yourself or what matters to you, but you are now choosing to begin. Say that it might look rusty and clunky for a bit, but you’re asking for their support as you start to tread this unknown road.

If there are things that you put off or don’t allow yourself, then now is the time to start actioning them.

Love concerts and live music but deprive yourself of it? Find one and go.

Some things are small and don’t mean much. Others are huge and deeply meaningful. There is no one thing that needs more focus than another at this stage. Your job is to find the bigger things that matter by honouring and following the thread of all things that matter.

Try them on. Give them time. See where they land.

Be patient. Be persistent.

In other news

In case you’re wondering where this newsletter was last week - I was taken down by illness. As was my wife and daughter.

It is a loooong time since I spent an entire day in bed resting and sleeping. But last week, I gave a shit about my pillow, about rest, and about reducing the utter discomfort I was experiencing in my body that writing an email didn’t even cross my mind.

If you’re ever left wanting more content from me, remember to check out my YouTube channel for all of the feature videos, coaching corner lessons and random snippets of brain bubble ideas I have and share there.

I trust there will be something in there for you.