Here’s how I stopped being a fence sitter in life and became decisive, confident, and clear…
I used to think it was best to be easy-ozy, go with the flow, and see what happens in life.
Things will pan out. Right..?
But what happened wasn’t entirely desirable.
I was subject to the whim of life. Like a leaf in the wind, ready to be blown any way the wind wanted to go.
Never actually grounded. Never choosing my life.
I was waiting and hoping/letting life choose for me.
There is this odd kind of comfort we can get drawn to there. I’ve experienced, and I’ve witnessed it in many men.
It’s a comfort that if I don’t make the decisions, then I can’t screw it up.
I can’t be the one responsible for it if it goes wrong.
If I fail or the decision is wrong, well, it wasn’t me.
Whereas, if the de I just have to do the thing because the decision has been made for me.
The comfort comes from having no responsibility. We innately know that making the decision makes me responsible. And if I am averse to personal responsibility, I will avoid that.
Of course, it also meant if things went well I could claim it – yet I knew deep down the credit wasn’t really mine.
I was a passenger.
As such, I did. I let life decide for me.
I let others decide for me.
Partners: “Yep! Whatever you want to do, I’m good with that! I’m easy”
But it wasn’t easy – it always made my partner decide, it required them to do the heavy lifting, the decision making, the one responsible for everything.
What I thought was being helpful “let’s just do what you want to do” was actually piling emotional labour onto them under the guise of being ‘carefree’.
Carefree, my arse!
The whole dodging of decision-making is because we care so much about screwing them up that we don’t make them and instead make it look like we’re so laid back we don’t care – in fact, “I’m helping you!”.
It took many undesirable outcomes in my life where I could no longer avoid the glaring data that was my indecisiveness.
It took many frustrating situations for my partners (and me) for me to realise ‘something has to change – If I want different, have to choose different here.
I realised what was missing was me actually making decisions no matter how uncomfortable.
Choosing the path.
Seeing them through.
With that came ownership, vigour, and a sense of purpose.
Like “fuck me, have I made the right decision!?” type terror.
And then, slowly, I developed competence in my decisions. Confidence. Self-belief.
A solid backbone.
So much more ease.
It might seem cool and preferable to ‘go with the flow’, but when you don’t dictate things. They are dictated for you. Choosing a meaningful path and applying yourself to it is what creates the space for flow and play. And ease.
It’s the Masculine leading so the Feminine can dance.
Men need purpose. We must make decisions, commit to them, act, and achieve results.
It needn’t be gigantic life-altering decisions. Although, in time, it may.
It is also all the small decisions we make daily. A choice of what to eat, movie to watch, workout or not. And it is choosing what to value, what to say yes to and what to say no to.
And, it doesn’t mean becoming a dictator in relationships, either.
It means giving options, directing, and leading.
Example: I won’t tell my wife what we’re eating. I might say, “I’d like ‘a’ or ‘b’ for dinner. What one sounds best to you?” – I’ll provide the direction for her to choose.
There’s a lot of nuance in this piece alone that an indecisive man can think simply means “make no decisions or make all of them”.
If you feel like decisiveness is something holding you back – if you feel the need to develop your ability to lead with strength and direction in your relationship, then let’s explore the potential of that together.