Issue #81: How to Live with Purpose, Not Just Find It

This is one way I often summarise what I do.

How I sum it up depends on the context, the situation, the person and the relationship. However, that theme of ‘getting your shit together’ is thereabouts it.

Yes, there is more depth to it.

I have a sort of X-ray vision to spot men’s shit and the calm yet driven ability to support them in seeing it, approaching it, moving through it, reshaping their relationship to it so it no longer dictates their life and how they feel.

I help them become deeply secure within themselves so they can be more decisive, effective, useful men.

Becoming confident, clear, and conscientious. Strong and compassionate. Assertive and respectful. Driven and joyous.

Yet, I am not perfect.

Don’t claim to be. Don’t want to be.

However, the standard I set for myself is to - strive to - embody this message.

To ‘continually be in the practise of honesty, integrity, growth, and evolving with life as it evolves’.

To me, there is space, grace, intent, and invitation in there.

But it has not always been this way.

I have worked at this. Hard.

I am not a natural…

Navigating conflict in my relationship - not natural. 

Communicating and using effective language - not natural. 

Receiving feedback maturely - not natural. 

Clear, decisive, purposeful, grounded, determined, guided by values - not natural. 

Consistently being in the game of exploring my shit and gathering it together as much as any man can at any one moment - not natural. 

I used to be terrified of rejection, especially from women.

Deeply insecure about being wrong or something being wrong with me.

I used to be incredibly reserved and lacking in confidence socially.

My focus was on good times, acceptance from my peers and women, and the next dopamine hit in front of my eyes.

No vision. No real direction or purpose. Not mature, clear, or courageous enough to make genuine decisions for my future.

I was too focused on feeling good and accepted (safe) in the world to be brave enough to even think about what I truly wanted from my life.

I kind of cherished this, elevated it almost.

Glorifying being ‘easy-ozy’ and just ‘in the moment’.

What I avoided was that I was too scared to commit to a big or meaningful goal because if I didn’t achieve it, I couldn’t handle what that might mean about me…

“If I fail, shit, I’d be a failure.”

The kind of thing I’ve now seen and heard out of the mouths of thousands of men just like me.

That might be you, as well.

The result was a kind of malaise in my life.

I knew I wanted more than what I was experiencing, but I wasn’t clear on what that was.

I lacked direction. Lacked conviction in what I wanted. What was actually meaningful to me.

I wasn’t clear on where I was going. I was living in the moment so much that all I had was the moment. No plan. No structure. No vision.

Without an eye on the future, without a north star, and without choosing my direction and path, I felt little control in my life. I was reactive to life.

I was like a leaf in the wind. Moved by external forces. Not my own.

One I am still on.

It needed me to get clear on my values, on what matters to me, on what I wanted in life, on what I was good at and gave a shit about.

It asked me to look beyond the moment and into a future I desired.

It asked me to look at all of my shit that was in the way, all the unprocessed pain and fear and insecurity running so much of my life. And work courageously on that, and continue to work on it.

Until that point in my life, I followed the path of the quick fix. Fun and adventure. My hormones. Especially testosterone.

My ‘purpose’ was short-term good times and experiences, so my energy was directed there.

It wasn’t bad or good; it was simply what it was.

I had a great time.

And I also had some challenging times. Undesirable consequences of a lack of self-awareness and longer-term vision.

It would have been nice to have some of my focus more future-oriented.

Not all, some.

I’ve had to reconcile and find peace with this.

If I hadn’t, I’d be unhappy now. Pining to change the past. Missing the opportunities in front of me.

This could create regret. Which wouldn’t be wasted.

Regret is teaching me a valuable lesson about the past and providing an opportunity for change in the present/future; ‘What do I do now? How do I direct my life?’

This question invites me to find things that bring me purpose and to ensure I live with purpose.

This is a duality missing in many men, especially Nice Guys, who tend to adapt themselves to the world (to feel safe) instead of choosing self-expression and living with purpose and letting the world adapt to them.

One is reactive, safe, and lacking in intention and meaningful purpose, while the other is full of courage, intention, and purpose.

If a man has no purpose, he will fill his life with pleasure (and seeking approval).

How to have direction and purpose

The personal development world bombards people with the idea of ‘finding your purpose.’

It's vague.

It’s reductive.

It’s so unhelpful, I actually think it’s counter-productive.

I have talked to and worked with countless men who have adopted this idea - a pressure, even - to ‘find their purpose’ as if it needs to be some grand thing that encapsulates every bit of meaning in their lives, every bit of financial security, and make some huge impact on the world.

Consider the ludicrously high expectations this sets in your mind.

No thanks.

Setting a direction for your life is work.

It’s about getting clear and choosing the direction you want based on what is meaningful, responsible, and aligned with your values.

‘Purpose’ isn’t so much about finding one grand purpose in your life but living with purpose in things that bring you purpose.

YET - have purpose, you must.

Without purpose and direction in our lives, we flounder. We meander from moment to moment and wonder why we struggle to apply ourselves to meaningful things.

We don’t do the thing we want to do or know we need to do.

We procrastinate.

We feel stuck.

We spin in circles.

We lack discipline and beat ourselves up for it.

We wait. We hope some magic clarity will hit us one day.

“Maybe if I just look in the right corner when the moon is at a certain angle while balancing an apple on my head, maybe then I’ll find my purpose.”

Make no mistake…

Men need purpose.

We need to direct our energy and life force to meaningful things.

We need to be useful. We need to be of service to those around us.

The more you can align your values and skills with the things that you give a shit about and things that make a difference to others around you, the more purposeful and fulfilled you will feel.

This is the essence of life.

That is maturing into a useful and purposeful man.

This is living with purpose.

I know this can be a daunting and confusing topic - it’s why I teach on it.

This live teaching usually costs $47 (AUD) - but today I am GIFTING IT TO YOU FOR FREE.

On one condition: you watch it, then email me back and tell me what you're taking away from it, and how you plan to implement it.

This teaching is taken directly from a Live Coaching Q&A I held in the Everyday Legends Academy.

In this, I challenge this idea of ‘finding your purpose’ and invite you to contemplate a scenario that will help you put that ‘one purpose’ idea to bed for good. You’ll replace that with a clarity on how to live with purpose in your life right now.

If you want a legit sneak peek behind the curtains of ELA, this teaching will give you that.

It will be available for free for the next FIVE days. After that, the link below will no longer work.

➡️ For a peek behind the curtains of ELA:

Mike