Issue #53: Men, Commitment, and Following Through

We’ve had a chequered history. Depending on who you listen to.

For the longest time, the loudest voice was, “Men are afraid of commitment!”

There is plenty in that statement that is worthy of being explored in more depth.

I have done a chunk of that in this previous podcast episode here.

Suffice it to say this: commitment is a BIG deal for men.

It matters.

And with anything that matters a lot, we often don’t get a great education, modelling, or understanding of it.

We easily end up screwing it up.

Today, I want to explore a different way to become better at commitment.

I am a committed dude. When I commit to something, it means something.

I operate a “my word is my bond” personal philosophy.

There's a story here for men who might struggle to maintain habits and commitments that they want to maintain.

Habits, relationships, new behaviours, old behaviours lost, or looking after yourself.

How I follow through on things

It was Sunday morning. Drizzly, slightly grim outside.

I was by myself down the athletics track.

There was one other dude there who was probably 15 years older than me.

This guy was doing max-effort sprints.

Even so, I was pretty sure I could take him.

But I wasn’t there to test myself against other random dudes. I was there to test myself.

There's a commitment I made a good while ago; to move my body at least 30 minutes a day minimum to a moderate intensity.

Every day.

Illness, difficult travel, or other unicorn extenuating circumstances notwithstanding.

Whether I follow through on this or not comes down to many things. My mood, a low energy day, a full schedule - these things all bump up against it regularly.

However, the strongest predictor for follow-through is simply the fact that I made the decision to commit to it.

I know that sometimes, man, that's going to be hard.

That's the point of making challenging commitments: It brings you into confrontation with yourself.

You meet yourself at your edges where shit gets hard. Your inner coward searches for any available wriggle room to wriggle right out of his (your) commitments.

Commitment itself isn’t enough

Nice Guys are great at making commitments.

Usually, OVER-committing due to the fear of saying no and entering into some kind of conflict.

Your average Nice Guy is full of nice-sounding commitments. He gets the kudos for the words and doesn’t have to face the conflict of saying no. but he finds it hard to follow through on those words and become a dependable man.

We must do more than say the words.

First, the wording must be crystal clear. Specificity matters.

Vagueness is the weak man’s allowance for future wriggle room.

Mine wasn’t “I'm going to try and exercise every day”. It is “I will exercise every day for 30 minutes minimum”.

It’s clear and specific. It's committed.

I then shared it with my wife, the men I work with, and with my peers.

Then, crucially, I made a key decision internally.

I spoke the following words and reflected on what they asked of me:

“I do this every day - that's who I am now.”

When you say, “This is who I am now”, it starts to become part of your identity; how you identify and see yourself.

It cannot be understated how important this part is.

It might not feel like it in that moment, but I encourage you to keep using that language: “I do that thing. I have to make it happen somehow.” 

Now, I must adjust my life to get that 30 minutes of exercise in.

When you anchor something, it doesn't matter what it is, “I journal”, “I cold plunge”, “I connect with my wife”, ”I meditate”, whatever it is that you need or want to do, when you can make a commitment where you have to meet yourself regularly.

If there's something that you want to do, have been trying to do, or haven't been able to do, committing to things that bring a bit of “Oh shit, can I do that?!” to you is the point.

Change requires confrontation. You have to confront yourself at a point where growth is required. You have to let go of some things that have kept you at that current level and step up into something new, not yet accessed within yourself.

A Cold Example

Let’s use an ice bath.

There are physiological benefits, but the biggest benefits are mental and emotional.

First, you meet yourself when committing to it: i.e. “I'm going to do an ice bath for three minutes every day.”

As you walk towards the ice bath, you meet yourself. You could back out in that moment.

You meet yourself again as you get in, and your body says, “Get the fuck out of here!”

And then, as you're sitting in it, remaining in it, you meet yourself again.

All these things require you to confront your fears, your edges, your limitations, all your bullshit stories, and meet yourself and make a choice.

Ask yourself in these moments, “Who do I want to be?”

If you've started to anchor a new story, “That's just who I am now”, it becomes infinitely easier.

It doesn't mean it's easy.

We lean on the support, the encouragement, the accountability of those around us who have the capability, the space, and the responsibility to hold us to our commitments.

That's a crucial part of the equation.

But ultimately, I'm the one meeting myself in these moments.

And I have the support of others who want to see me follow through on it, who are depending on me following through on it, like my daughter and my wife, but also want to hold me to being the man that I can be and that I'm committing to be.

Create commitments and moments where you have to meet yourself.

Step towards the challenge and invitation in those moments.

Allow yourself to become increasingly more competent at handling those moments - i.e., watch your expectations early on.

Especially those of you who are very hard on yourself and set commitments you cannot reach.

If this is your pattern, make the commitments small and achievable.

But make them consistent so you can build momentum and start to shift the internal dialogue that beats you up for not meeting your commitments.

Change the story by changing the story.

Surround yourself with people who want to see you be the man capable of that and will support and encourage you, challenge and hold you to them.

Make your commitments mean something.

Make the decision to be that man.

Then make those commitments important enough to orientate part of your life to make them happen no matter what.

Make the internal decision “I [... fill in the blank with your commitment…] - This is who I am now.”

Your Turn

Let me know what you need to commit to, want to commit to, or have been struggling to commit to.

Let's devise a plan on how you can commit to that thing and see it through.

Mike

P.S. Yes, there will always be exceptions, moments where commitments need flex. Always. But that is less of an issue for most Nice Guys. We can talk about those times another day.

Until that is your problem, focus on committed action first. - Mike