Issue #46: The Compliment Challenge: Building Self-Worth and Receiving Love

In fact, I assign the guys many challenges over the six months of the program.

The exercises and challenges are a phenomenal way to put the more intellectual and self-awareness work into practical action.

They boost implementation and facilitate meaningful change.

This particular one is the ‘Compliment Challenge’. And it is exactly what you likely think it is: giving compliments.

Across a week, they are to give out three genuine compliments a day.

To different people.

That’s it, essentially.

If they have a partner, I recommend they give them one per day. But only one to them.

I want to see them think about areas of their lives and different people and opportunities where they can hand out heartfelt compliments to others.

With an exercise like this, there is always so much to pay attention to.

There is who they compliment and why they choose those people.

There’s also how they do it - what state they’re in. If they get nervous or all in their head.

If they have to really think about it or if it comes easily. Do they come up against a bunch of discomfort? Do they falter?

There’s an opportunity to see what comes up in them as the giver of compliments.

That’s one part of it - how they are in the challenge.

The next is observing how others are when they give them the compliments.

How do they receive it? Are they comfortable being given the compliment? Do they squirm? Do they squash it? Do they get awkward and deflect it? Do they try to jam a return compliment? Do they take it gratefully?

Watching people around compliments can tell us a lot - especially for Nice Guys. And really, that’s what the whole challenge is about.

The secret challenge

The above is the part of the challenge I tell them about. Then comes the secret challenge that slides in behind this one.

I invite the guys to give compliments as it does bring up some of their shit.

However, for many guys, giving isn’t an issue. We love to give. We give time, energy, resources, love, help and support.

Receiving it, well, that’s another story.

For Nice Guys one of the deepest patterns is giving love, support, help, time and energy in the direct hope (and expectation) it will get them some of that in return. At the very least, it will gain them approval.

Nice Guys give themselves to others in the hope they get love and assurance back.

But here’s the twist: an insecure Nice Guy tends to have a foundational belief system that exists around “I’m not good enough or lovable as I am”.

It’s that belief system and all of its cousins, like “I don’t deserve love” and “I’m not worthy of what I want”, that generate the Nice Guy patterns.

A belief like that is the cause of Nice Guy Syndrome in the first place.

A belief like that does a few instrumental things. First, it creates a void where you will go and seek evidence, approval and reassurance to convince yourself that you are likeable and loveable.

Second, because you believe that instrumental thing about yourself - that you don’t deserve or aren’t worthy of love or belonging - you don’t believe it when others give it to you.

Why would you?

You have this truth that says something concrete. So if someone else gives you a sniff of it, why would that make any difference to your ‘truth’?

To be clear, it's not true - you’ve just made it true by this exact cycle, and whatever unfortunate activating events created the belief to begin with.

So, you get praise, validation, approval, love, reassurance - and you don’t believe it. You struggle to truly let it land and make a dent in your fundamental belief that trumps all.

Said differently, you struggle to receive the love you chase and seek.

Enter the biggest headfuck for Nice Guys, “I get what I chase, and I don’t allow myself to believe it or take it on board. WTF!?”

Receiving love, help, support, acts of service and love from others is a huge block for Nice Guys. Even though they seek them.

He often rejects acts and signs of love and care because he doesn’t think he deserves them.

This brings us to the third thing a belief like this does: it keeps creating the same belief-behaviour-cycle ad infinitum.

One of the simplest ways to explore this for yourself is through the world of compliments.

While you can’t control being given compliments, we can start to use them as a vehicle for how you feel about yourself, how you interact with the world and your sense of worth, and where there is some simple and easy work you can do to make positive change.

Giving tends to be easier. It is certainly more accessible. It is something you can control, and you can share it with others. That’s why giving them is the first part of this challenge for my coaching guys.

However, invariably, it will lead to compliments in return and draw their attention to them when they happen anyway. And this is where we get to put their shit under the microscope.

Because here’s what many Nice Guys will do:

A Nice Guy will fish for compliments and then reject them.

A Nice Guy wants to be complimented because what a compliment does is it acknowledges him. A compliment sees you. It is positive feedback about your behaviours and about you. It shines a light on how you have value and how you are appreciated.

And despite wanting this so he can feel ok about himself, a Nice Guy tends to feel deeply uncomfortable about being seen and acknowledged like this. So he lets that discomfort win.

He will reject a compliment. Shoot it down. He will squash it, or deflect it with awkward humour. He might feel the need to give one back immediately so that the transaction is even. He might find a way to bring himself down to balance the equation.

In essence, he won’t allow himself to truly receive the compliment.

And what is a compliment but a way of expressing love, appreciation, and value. And if you don't believe you deserve those things, your subconscious will tend to see to it that you don’t receive them.

We can learn so much about how you feel about yourself by viewing how you interact with compliments. Doing so lets us see some key things you can work on immediately.

What can you do?

There are many things you can do - and the first one is the simple challenge I give my coaching guys:

#1. Give out three genuine compliments a day to different people.

If you have a partner, make them one and one only.

And if you have a history of struggling to receive compliments and being very hard on yourself, you will add a fourth compliment to yourself.

#2. Practise receivership in various forms.

This really is where the action is. Allow love and acts of love and care and help into your life.

This could be in the form of receiving a compliment by saying “thank you”. Resist the urge to deflect it or be awkward. Take a breath, plant your feet firmly and say “thank you”. Let it in. Receive the words. Allow them to have some truth.

It might be in accepting when someone lets you go first before them in a line. Maybe it’s the little bit of help someone offers that you usually deny.

Perhaps it is in fully letting your partner love you - giving them access to the depths you haven’t previously.

It can be small and seemingly insignificant, it can be large and deeply uncomfortable. Build the muscle by exercising it.

#3. Give without expectation or attachment to outcome.

Practise giving free of any attachment to that coming back or needing anything from it.

Just give without conditions. Look for ways you can communicate gratitude, appreciation, admiration, love, and value to others purely because it feels nice to give to them and it might make them feel nice.

If the relationship is appropriate, you might be able to voice this. Let’s say it’s your partner, and you can struggle to give love without expecting it back. Start by voicing it, “I am working on giving love and just giving without expecting in return. I am voicing this to help make me accountable to it and so it’s out of my head. Starting now. ‘I love you and appreciate what you do for me.’ That’s it.”

Beyond these simple and executable exercises you can do, one thing every Nice Guy must explore is the depths of these foundational beliefs.

You must investigate these beliefs and how they came about if you want to truly change them, let them go and shift to a belief that sees you have high self-worth and believe you are worthy of love belonging and joy.

If you don’t know how to approach that subject - as most of us don’t because it can be tough and heavy work - I strongly recommend you find a therapist, coach, community, and/or solutions that can help facilitate this.