“You’re being a Pussy.”
It’s one of those insults that we flippantly use on one another, especially man to man.
‘Being a pussy’ is to be weak, inferior, pathetic – less than, right?
Think about this, then – what message am I sending, and what side of the equation do I want to be on when I insult someone by calling them part of the female anatomy?
When you enter the field of working with and supporting everyday men there is a spectrum of content out there, from the woo-woo super spiritual stuff, to the “Men need to stop being such pussys” seemingly ‘saying it straight’ approach.
It’s not just that body part we’ve merged into an insult. We’ve also got cock, dick, and CUNT.
They’re all single words that pack a big punch to the ego.
Wrap them in a sentence and we get some of the most common insults men throw at other men:
Such a pussy.
What a cock.
Don’t be a dick.
He’s a cunt.
Ouch.
All body parts that we love, and either want to use to give or receive pleasure; like, really want to.
Yet here we are flinging them as casual insults against each other.
There are two major problems I see with this:
- We are belittling women and their most sacred of areas, perpetuating the disempowerment that is still rife in wider society, and potentially linking directly to the prevalence of sexual violence.
- We continue to shame our sex organs (and sex), associating them with weakness or stupidity
When we associate this weakness and need to be stronger with female genitalia, it is a bad, no, terrible message to send. What we’re saying is; females, in particularly their genitalia – the giver of life (FYI) – is a bad thing. The pussy is weak, it’s less than.
Given what pussys actually go through – childbirth – it’s obvious that the opposite is true.
Now I know you might be reading this thinking, “What the fuck are you on about, man?! It’s just a word that can have multiple meanings, don’t take it so seriously.” True, words can have multiple meanings, but this is a direct link, and while you may feel it risks falling into the “over-PC” arena, it certainly doesn’t.
Check this – by calling someone a “pussy” to imply weakness, the deeper meaning is that they are useless, weak, all they do is lie there and get fucked by life without ever taking a stand. It’s actually an on-point message for some people neatly summed up in a single, yet wildly inaccurate word. Except for the fact that it is associated with a shameful, deep, socially learned idea that vaginas/women are useless, weak, should just lie there and be fucked…
That’s where we get some dark shit, all you have to do is remember that’s not a vagina, it’s a woman. And ignoring that point because it’s confronting or arguing it because it makes you feel bad is pretty weak. Irony, yeah?
For all the work to empower women, we continually cut the legs out from this by perpetuating this less-than sexist rhetoric. In addition, it perpetuates the justifications inside rape culture of using your power over the weak; fuck what you please while they lie there and take it.
That is some messed up shit that must stop.
Not helping. In fact, totally fucking with women’s (and men’s) empowerment
Similarly – When you call someone a “dick” or “cock” it’s usually to imply arrogant, selfish stupidity. The deeper meaning is that they are so dumb all they are good for is running around getting hard, thinking they’re fantastic and then failing to satisfy once they’ve done their half of the business.
Once again a solid on point message about plenty of people neatly summed up in one word. Problem is there’s that shame again, that socially learned idea that cocks are stupid, useless, incapable of really delivering and we all just have to put up with them… How is that teaching our society to treat men, and teaching us to responsibly use the power we have?
Using language like this that belittles women, and even our own life givers – our cocks – simply keep us in a place where women are less than and sex is wrapped in shame.
Words that should be empowering and associated with life, strength and vitality are being used to bring people down and will continue to unless we call it out and put a stop to the casual demeaning our genitals and women.
You’re either part of the problem, or you’re a part of the solution.
Think about it – the very thing we desire most is what we’re belittling. Not only this, reinforcing this kind of casual sexism and degradation negatively impacts all of us. We’re making ourselves stupid cavemen who only want objects, and turning all women into those objects purely for sex.
Sorry, but we’re all way better than that.
Then, take the little eyes that watch us and the ears that hear us. Every boy that is subject to this, either witnessing it being said or bearing the brunt of it themselves – “Don’t be a pussy” – are learning a very insidious message about women (and themselves).
It’s no wonder there is a messed up objectification of women culture among teenage boys, we’ve been learning to do so since we were young.
Then there are the girls who see and hear this, being constantly reminded that they and their bodies are a joke, objects for using, are a sign of weakness and to stay in that place, and that men are inherently stupid and need their ego stroked.
It’s backwards, outdated, and messed up.
If you are a man who thinks this seems like alarmist feminist ranting, PC gone mad, I challenge you to really stop, sit and think about what message you’re sending to boys and girls by belittling pussies, cunts, cocks and dicks.
Think about what you’re reinforcing to yourself and to the people you use that language on or around (and perhaps think about cutting people off with labels like “alarmist feminist” and “PC gone mad”).
Is it just innocent words, or is there some sting behind it, some deeper truth that on a broader scale has an impact? And it’s the broader scae we often miss considering, narrowing our focus to one or two incidinces where we ‘know’ the peopole involved ‘don’t care’.
If you use those words to insult, even if it isn’t obviously venomous in your mind, what is the message it sends?
Because that’s how we have to look at this – on a societal level. Sure, individual examples will range from innocent and fleeting through to long-term and emotionally damaging, but it’s on the wider level that this language perpetuates detrimental messages. And if men – the predominant perpetrators of this language by far – don’t step up, become accountable for our language and impact on culture, who will?
Words have power, and the moment we reinforce this to each other as men, and to boys and girls who witness it, and bear the brunt of it, is the continuation of a strong and deep association that pussy/women are weak and less than, and our sexual organs are things of shame.
In this scenario, no one wins. So, ask yourself; what message am I sending, and what side of the equation do I want to be on; the problem or the solution?
So, ‘How to stop being a pussy’ – stop using that bullshit language. I for one will be doing my best to ensure it is removed from my vocabulary, and calling it when I see it. It’s not always easy, but what’s the alternative?
You with me?
– Mike
*Special mention and thanks to author Erin Brown and content editor Nick Rose for consultation and edit suggestions on this piece
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P.S. Understanding why we perpetuate this, and how to step out of this kind of conditioned bullshit and into being your own man, not led by the crowd – a man of true integrity, compassion, purpose, and living by your values – is vital to making any kind of widespread change.
To get your own house in order before you try and change the world…
We’ll be diving into conversations and challenges like this, as well as how to perform better across the board in your life at the upcoming Beyond The Beers Live Event on the ADELAIDE – Saturday, October 6th. We’ll flip the script on ‘locker-room talk’, even hearing from a man who confesses to, when 18 years old, raping his then-girlfriend, and who has now written a book with her exploring mutual healing and forgiveness (no sh*t).
For more info about what you’ll gain from a day like this, check out the page to get tickets here:
[EventBrite] Beyond The Beers Live Event
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If you’re outside of the Gold Coast or can’t make the event but you wish to talk about any challenges you have around this content, book a rapid-fire strategy call with me for just $10 here.