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Issue #31: The True Path to Building Confidence

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Having worked with thousands of Nice Guys over the years I’ve heard a lot of repetition come out of their mouths.


One of those is a generic desire to “have more confidence”.

Here’s what it sounds like in question form: “Mike, how do I build confidence?”

This is where we hit our first problem.

Like so much of life, the problem in front of our eyes isn’t usually THE problem we must address.


The real problem sits deeper. And if we never get to that, we never solve the problem at the surface.

The problem with the confidence situation isn’t the lack of it so much – although it IS a problem. The problem is your approach to it.

The problem is a misunderstanding of what confidence is.

And the question – You’re focusing on the wrong thing and asking the wrong question.

Maybe you’ve thought this yourself ‘I want more confidence’. 


Maybe you’ve Googled  ‘How do I build Confidence?’ more times than you’d like to admit.

You’ve got some helpful answers. But then putting them into action – that hasn’t cut it, it hasn’t stuck.


You’ve got some plain shitty answers too.


And so, it is frustrating.

Am I right?

I get it, it makes surface logical sense; if I want more of something, ask or search for how to get it. Duh.



Here’s the thing with just looking for answers – strategies – for building confidence; it doesn’t address why you don’t feel confident right now.

And that is THE key.

If you don’t address why you don’t have confidence, or at least why you FEEL like you lack it – you won’t consistently implement any strategies and solutions to ‘build it’.

Willpower will only get you so far. And the nature of ‘low confidence’ is the very sabotaging factor that fucks with willpower, which is limited at best when relied on alone.

Change the approach


“How do I build confidence” is an insufficient question.

Next time you catch yourself asking it, start with this one instead:


“Why am I not confident?”

From this, you can actually start to DIG to the root cause of what you’re experiencing and why. Then you can bring answers to shift the foundations.


Because, without impacting your foundations, you’ll never be able to apply the solutions to building confidence – you will keep being cockblocking it.

I can tell you to do ‘x strategy’ but if you feel like you’re not good enough or loveable as you are, say (heavy I know, but common), then I put it to you that ‘x strategy’ – whatever it is – won’t even touch the sides.

Think of this analogy…


(by the way, you can substitute out the subject matter below and put in your own example; confidence, fitness, a solid relationship, anything)

You want to be fit and in good physical shape. Who doesn’t?

So you search for How do I get fit and in good shape?”

What you find is a wide spectrum of loud voices trying to be loudest. Welcome to the internet.


But all ultimately tell you what you already know:


Exercise regularly; get fit, strong, and mobile


Eat well: mostly whole foods – loads of veggies, healthy proteins, limit the crap and match the overall amount you eat with how much energy you output/expend relative to your goal


Get plenty of sleep and limit distress


That’s basically it.


That’s the important gist, anyway.


Yes, there is a TONNE of specifics that can play a part in that analogy. There is nuance, sure.


But most of that is the 1%ers you don’t need to even think about until you consistently nail those basics.

The above list is the foundational behaviours you need to execute consistently to move the needle and make the biggest impact on your body and health.

I don’t care who you are, EVERYBODY knows this; eat well, move your body, sleep, manage stress.

Those are the fundamentals for physical health – at least the 80% that makes the most difference and impact that warrants your attention.

So… why the fuck don’t most people do it – consistently!?

Ahhhh… GREAT question, Mike!

Because strategy, while important, is flimsy at best and useless at worst if the foundation is weak.

Finding solutions to symptoms does nothing to address the foundation that causes the issue.

“How do I get fit and in good shape?” in most cases, is a useless question.

I was a trainer working with people for over 10 years on their physical health and bodies. It was rarely about the specific training or food. It was always about the person’s psychology and working on their behavioural drivers so that the program could even be contemplated, let alone adhered to long term.

A better question would be “WHY do I struggle to get fit and in good shape?” 


Or ‘Why am I overweight?’


Or ‘Why do I not stick to consistent movement and healthy eating?’


Or ‘Why don’t I allow myself to be healthy?’

Can you see where you might find a better question for yourself, whatever the context is?

When you get curious there you’ll find all of YOUR beliefs and stories and fears – all the shit that stops YOU from applying the strategy/solutions.

If you don’t believe you’re good enough as you are, you’re actively in self-rejection.


You don’t believe you deserve to be fit and healthy (or fill in the blank here, i.e. ‘confident’).


You don’t believe you are worthy of love, belonging, joy, ease – self-respect (and all the things that come with it, like a strong, fit body. And healthy relationship with that body).


Your subconscious will see to it that you only get what you think you deserve.

You’ll spin in the fear of judgement, inadequacy, low self-worth, and the kind of behaviours that manifest that belief system – like, not exercising regularly, eating well and doing so consistently enough to see meaningful change.

Or in the case of confidence, your subconscious will see to it you never step into the kind of behaviours that would create confidence.

The foundations matter more than the strategy.

You can masturbate yourself all day in finding solutions, searching for confidence tips, strategies to use before meetings, or approaching women. You can practise talking to yourself in the mirror until you’re blue in the goddamn face. Ultimately it won’t do dick until you address the foundations of your insecurities.

Until you look under the hood at what all your confidence story is wrapped up in and dig into what you’re so bloody terrified of.


Until you get to the bottom of why you don’t feel confident, you won’t shift it in a meaningful way.

Once you do that, the strategy to build confidence is easy.

And here is that strategy in a nutshell… ready..?


That’s it.

Confidence is a by-product.

But first, you have to have COURAGE to step into something without feeling confident.

You then become more competent.

You start to build confidence.

So – whatever the thing is – start. Suck. improve.

Watch the by-product start to build; confidence.



As stated above, this strategy depends on you allowing yourself to build competence and then believing you deserve to feel confident (in the face of all your insecurities).

And then with that, can you allow yourself to gain the benefits of what being confident will provide for you; happiness, a great relationship and sex life, promotion, growth in your business, closer friendships, it doesn’t matter.

For most guys who identify with “not being confident” this state you choose to exist in tends to be the EXACT thing preventing you from reaching out and finding proper solutions.

You don’t want to be seen as someone who doesn’t know the answers.


You don’t want to be seen as a failure, like you should be able to pull yourself out of this state.


You don’t want to be seen as incompetent.

I could go on.

But here’s the point – if you can’t do it now, you can’t do it.


Willing it to be will not make it be.


Doing it alone is always limited by YOUR limitations. And as someone lacking in confidence, those limitations win more often than not.

That’s the cycle you spin in.

Doing work like this needs guidance to visit those depths, make sense of them, move through them, get stronger than them, and start building the foundations of a stronger, more confident man.

That means content, coaching, community – an environment conducive to it – supportive of it – set up to facilitate it.

Waiting to feel confident enough to do it – is missing the point.

‘Being ready’ is a choice.


You won’t feel ready before you step into this work – you’ll feel ready when you connect to WANTING different results in your life.

Not before you do the work.


Not before you have to do uncomfortable things.


Not before you have to dig deeper down into your fears.

Confidence is the result, not the thing a magical fairy sprinkles on you first so you can THEN do the things.

Unless, of course, you take these very words as some kind of fairy dust permitting you to be an imperfect human with flaws who can take uncertain action and grow and improve and get better through the process of becoming better and more confident.

In that case – consider yourself sprinkled!

I have some monumental solutions – if you choose to be ready.


Otherwise, there are countless options available today – go and find one that resonates with you.

Everyday Legends Academy applications live here – start exploring it for yourself today.
No obligation, all opportunity and clarity.