Why your relationship is not your therapy session
It’s been a belief of mine for a while now that many of the most messed up and avoidable issues we have on a global scale are the result of dysfunctional, disconnected, and discontent men.
To expand upon that, even more, I think we have a problem with how we portray what a healthy and mature man is, and we lack adequate passages and initiations into true grown-ass mature manhood.
As a result, we have many men, through no fault of their own, going about life still running some outdated and adolescent psychology. When I say ‘no fault of their own’ I mean we learn what we learn growing up, we model what is modelled to us and so at the point of just going about living how we’ve learnt to live and to make our way in the world we do just that; our best with what we’ve learnt and been given.
But unfortunately, many of us fall short in being healthy men – which, hopefully, you can start to see, is totally understandable when we haven’t had a healthy idea of wTF that is.
So – dysfunctional, disconnected, discontent, disenfranchised even – and we have men who are too in their head, or too in their anger, or too in their fists, or too in their sensitivity, we have men who can’t find the middle ground of being a useful, healthy and mature men and member of the community.
This certainly isn’t to shame on men – fuck no – it’s to point out some shit that hasn’t been working for us and direct us to how we can be better, for ourselves and those we influence.
It’d also not to totally blame men for the world’s wrongs – fuck no – but it is to offer some shit that we get to own and improve upon.
One of the incredibly obvious ways in which men who haven’t learnt how to deal with the shit from their past and truly grow into healthy manhood cause damage in the world is violence on themselves and violence on others.
We have shelters for battered women and victims of family violence – all incredibly important and much-needed things. But one thing we absolutely need is work and support for men to heal, grow, and become safe, mature, and loving men so we can prevent violence in the first place.
In this Episode:
Enter Matt Brown (and his wife Sarah) – founders of She is not your rehab – a powerful organisation and movement working to change ideas of masculinity through supporting, educating and empowering men to transform the pain of their past instead of transmitting it onto others.
They have made some huge waves globally, even getting The Rock himself into a campaign of theirs.
Beyond that, they have done remarkable work both in places like New Zealand’s high-security prisons, throughout the community, and in Matt’s barbershops My Father’s Barber.
Matt and I discuss his own story from a “volatile childhood” of abuse and violence to healing his own pain to starting to cut hair in order to connect with men, and then the forming of She is not your rehab and the wonderful work they are doing.
I trust you will get something from it – as might a man in your world, please pass it on to anyone you think will benefit from it. I had a great chat with Matt and am a HUGE supporter of their work. You can find out more about him and the work they’re doing and how to access the book below.
Where to find Matt and She Is Not Your Rehab:
- She Is Not Your Rehab
- Get the Book here
- Matt on IG
- SINYR on IG
- Video campaign that got The Rock involved
Matt Brown, is a New Zealand born Samoan and an internationally acclaimed barber, hair artist, communicator, husband, and father of three children known for ‘giving great cuts’ and ‘inspiring great men.’
He is a survivor of family violence and childhood sexual abuse and shares his story with the men who frequent his busy Christchurch and Palmerston North barbershops, My Fathers Barbers, as a way to foster vulnerability, healing, and connection. He has facilitated multiple barbering programs inside Christchurch Men’s Prison, Te Puna Wai O Tuhinapo, a Christchurch youth justice facility and was named a Corrections NZ patron in 2020.
Matt has cut everyone from All Blacks to the Wu Tang Clan but his true calling; he believes lies in his work to redefine societies view of masculinity and to help end the cycle of domestic violence affecting whānau all over New Zealand.
In 2018, Matt and Sarah partnered with the Ministry of Social Development as ambassadors for their ‘It’s not OK Campaign’ and are proud ambassadors for the work of Aviva Families, a family violence service centre in Christchurch. In collaboration with them, Matt hosts a men’s anti-violence support group from his barbershop.
Together they co-founded She Is Not Your Rehab and launched the concept in Matt’s 2019 TEDx talk. He says the movement is an invitation for men to acknowledge their own childhood trauma and to take responsibility for their healing so that they can transform their pain instead of transmitting it to those around them.
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